UPDATED: Off-Topic: Who will Drumpf pick as his running mate?

So here it is...Super Tuesday. Unless the GOP base suddenly decides that they don't want a xenophobic, misogynistic, hate-mongering, con-artist moron to be their standard-bearer, it's looking very likely that by the time midnight rolls around, Donald Drumpf will indeed be almost unstoppable as the Republican Presidential Nominee for 2016.

Which means, aside from the GOP establishment being on collective suicide watch, Mr. Drumpf will have to think about who his running mate will be for the general election.

First, the legal issues:

  • They have to be a natural-born U.S. Citizen. That's pretty important to Mr. Drumpf, as I understand it.
  • They have to be at least 35 years old as of January 20, 2017.
  • They probably shouldn't legally reside in the same state as Mr. Drumpf....except that it turns out this actually isn't the case at all. In addition, he's a wealthy real estate developer, so it's safe to say that he could simply snap up a small house somewhere outside of New York and have his running mate legally change residences, just as Dick Cheney did in 2000, so this is actually a non-issue.

Next, the strategic issues:

  • Drumpf will turn 70 years old this summer. He's gonna want to appeal to The Kidz, so picking a young person would be wise.
  • Let's be blunt: Donald Drumpf isn't the most physically attractive man in the world. Having a running mate who's photogenic is never a bad idea.
  • Drumpf kind of has a problem with the female demographic, to put it mildly. Plus, of course, he'll likely be facing Hillary, who'd be making history, etc etc. Picking a woman as a running mate would be helpful.
  • He also has a bit of a problem with non-Christians, which wasn't helped by his recent endorsement by David Duke of the KKK as well as kind words from Louis Farrakhan of the Nation of Islam. Picking someone who's Jewish might not be a bad idea (somehow I don't think any Muslims are likely prospects, Mr. Farrakhan's words of support notwithstanding).

Now, she may not be Jewish, but I already know what you're thinking: Sarah Palin, right?


She's already endorsed him, she's just as stupid and just as big of a con artist, etc. etc.

However, Palin is also yesterday's news, even from the Tea Party perspective. She's quite literally a loser and a quitter, which of course Drumpf can't stand.

Plus, she's too unpredictable and likely to stab him in the back.

That brings up the two final factors for Mr. Drumpf:

  • Drumpf wants someone who he can trust implicitly, and
  • Finally, Drumpf's ego is so massive, he's very unlikely to want to have someone else's last name stealing his thunder.

OK, so here's who this person has to be:

  • 35 YEARS OLD

Which is why I present to you the only possible 2016 Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States....









Ivanka Drumpf.

That's right. She was born on October 30, 1981, meaning she'll turn 35 years old just 9 days before the general election. She's young, she's photogenic, she's Jewish (seriously...she converted). She's been working with/for her father for years, so he can trust her...and, as a bonus, she appears (from what I've seen so far) to be more intelligent and capable than he is anyway.

The only real downside here is that it probably isn't a good idea to have a sitting U.S. President who openly admits to wanting to have sex with his Vice President, especially when she's, you know, his own daughter.

So remember, folks, you read it here first:


UPDATE 4:40pm: HOLY CRAP. I swear to God I hadn't seen this before I wrote this post.